Hollywood Must Die
Much to Hollywood’s dismay, 97.5% of the population could care less about movies about the plight of being a gay cowboy. The same percentage of people could care less about a spending 2 and a half hours watching some rambling, incoherent “indictment” against racism in America. A slightly larger percentage will out-and-out refuse to be bothered with movies which portray poor Palestinians and Arabs being the constant victims of Israel, the CIA etc.
So, to ensure their survival, the studios have to cater to the whims of the unwashed masses and put out crap which will appeal to the lowest common denominator. I, by virtue of often being included in the lowest common denominator have no problem with this. Case in point: I watched Crash (Oscar winner) and The Longest Yard (one of Adam Sandler’s least impressive efforts) and liked The Longest Yard much better.
Hence, the film adaptation of classic television shows was born.
Sometimes, they do a great job (i.e., “The Dukes of Hazzard”, “The Brady Bunch”, “Charlie’s Angels”), sometimes, not so much (“Bewitched”, “The Flintstones”).
For the past couple months, I’ve heard reports that they will be making a film based on the TV show “Dallas”. Because Dallas is my home, and because I grew up watching the show, I actually got a little excited by the prospect.
Not any more.
“Jennifer Lopez has been offered the part of Sue Ellen Ewing, Luke Wilson is negotiating to play Bobby Ewing, John Travolta has an offer to star as J.R. Ewing and Shirley MacLaine is down for the part of Miss Ellie Ewing.”
ARE YOU F*#%ING KIDDING ME?!?!?
JR Ewing played by Vinnie Barbarino, Miss Elie played by Weezer and Sue Ellen played by a woman whose greatest acting role in the past 5 years was in “Jersey Girl”…only because she died in the first five minutes. There’s also word that Catherine Zeta Jones is being considered for Pam.
And to add insult to injury, they may be filming it in Toronto. “Who shot J.R., eh?”
What’s next? Cliff Barnes played by Will Farrell? Lucy Ewing played by Paris Hilton??
(Actually, Paris as Lucy would PROBABLY be good casting. Both of them are fair-haired, over-privileged idiots).
I sincerely hope that this is a joke. The cast being recommended (with the exception of Luke Wilson who actually IS from Dallas), will make the box office for “Gigli” look like “Titanic”.
SO, I’ll do Hollywood a favor an put my “Casting Director” cap on. They would do well to listen.
Bruce Willis as J.R. Ewing.
Eva Mendes as Sue Ellen (since Dallas has such a large Mexican population, a Latina in the role would be appropriate).
Luke Wilson as Bobby Ewing. He IS a pretty good call.
Jessica Simpson as Pamela Ewing. (Yes, I’m serious. Pamela was pretty and worked in a retail clothing store…she wasn’t a rocket scientist. Jessica would be fine.)
Maggie Smith as Miss Ellie (she’s more well known from the Harry Potter flicks, but she was the best part of “Ya-Ya Sisterhood” she can pull off the accent and can be a ball-buster if need be.)
And, of course,
Larry Hagman in a cameo role as the ghost of Jock Ewing.
And, for the love of all that’s good and holy, film the damned movie in Texas!!!
That is all.
So, to ensure their survival, the studios have to cater to the whims of the unwashed masses and put out crap which will appeal to the lowest common denominator. I, by virtue of often being included in the lowest common denominator have no problem with this. Case in point: I watched Crash (Oscar winner) and The Longest Yard (one of Adam Sandler’s least impressive efforts) and liked The Longest Yard much better.
Hence, the film adaptation of classic television shows was born.
Sometimes, they do a great job (i.e., “The Dukes of Hazzard”, “The Brady Bunch”, “Charlie’s Angels”), sometimes, not so much (“Bewitched”, “The Flintstones”).
For the past couple months, I’ve heard reports that they will be making a film based on the TV show “Dallas”. Because Dallas is my home, and because I grew up watching the show, I actually got a little excited by the prospect.
Not any more.
“Jennifer Lopez has been offered the part of Sue Ellen Ewing, Luke Wilson is negotiating to play Bobby Ewing, John Travolta has an offer to star as J.R. Ewing and Shirley MacLaine is down for the part of Miss Ellie Ewing.”
ARE YOU F*#%ING KIDDING ME?!?!?
JR Ewing played by Vinnie Barbarino, Miss Elie played by Weezer and Sue Ellen played by a woman whose greatest acting role in the past 5 years was in “Jersey Girl”…only because she died in the first five minutes. There’s also word that Catherine Zeta Jones is being considered for Pam.
And to add insult to injury, they may be filming it in Toronto. “Who shot J.R., eh?”
What’s next? Cliff Barnes played by Will Farrell? Lucy Ewing played by Paris Hilton??
(Actually, Paris as Lucy would PROBABLY be good casting. Both of them are fair-haired, over-privileged idiots).
I sincerely hope that this is a joke. The cast being recommended (with the exception of Luke Wilson who actually IS from Dallas), will make the box office for “Gigli” look like “Titanic”.
SO, I’ll do Hollywood a favor an put my “Casting Director” cap on. They would do well to listen.
Bruce Willis as J.R. Ewing.
Eva Mendes as Sue Ellen (since Dallas has such a large Mexican population, a Latina in the role would be appropriate).
Luke Wilson as Bobby Ewing. He IS a pretty good call.
Jessica Simpson as Pamela Ewing. (Yes, I’m serious. Pamela was pretty and worked in a retail clothing store…she wasn’t a rocket scientist. Jessica would be fine.)
Maggie Smith as Miss Ellie (she’s more well known from the Harry Potter flicks, but she was the best part of “Ya-Ya Sisterhood” she can pull off the accent and can be a ball-buster if need be.)
And, of course,
Larry Hagman in a cameo role as the ghost of Jock Ewing.
And, for the love of all that’s good and holy, film the damned movie in Texas!!!
That is all.
posted by Big Bad Dad at 3:58 PM
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