One More Reason I’m Sorry I Don’t Live In Texas

-Big Bad Dad offers up his first endorsement of the season

Despite the fact that I lived other places longer than I lived in Texas, I do (and probably always will) consider Texas to be my home. Because of this (and because every member of my family except my wife and daughter are there), I keep an eye on what happens in my adopted home state.

Texas is unlike any state in the US and Texans are unlike any other Americans. They are proud to be Texan first and American a very close second. And if you’ve ever heard a strange story about the state of Texas, it’s probably true:

1. The state of Texas boasts over 6000 lakes…and only one of them is natural.

2. “Juneteenth” originated in Texas. For the uninformed, “Juneteenth” memorializes June 19th, 1865, which is the day that Texas slaves found out they were emancipated….18 months earlier.

3. Texas elected the first female Governor in the US and called her Ma (Ferguson), had a Governor called “Pappy” (O’Daniel) and yet another Governor who gave his daughter the unfortunate name of “Ima Hogg”

4. Texas has created two great political dynasties. In addition to the Bush dynasty, the city of Lajitas boasts the Henry Dynasty. Clay Henry Sr., Clay Henry Jr., and Clay Henry III have each been elected mayor and their reign stretches from 1986 to today. Each of the Henry boys are beer-swilling billy goats. Literally.

This year, my Texas brothers and sisters will go to the polls to elect their Governor. And this year, my endorsement will NOT go to the Republican incumbent.


This year, I support (from Georgia) Kinky Friedman for Governor of the Great State of Texas.


True, I generally like my politicians a little less populist and a little more right-leaning than Kinky, but how can you argue with this platform??

“My platform is to remember that when they went out searching for Sam Houston to try to persuade him to be the governor—and he was the greatest governor this state has ever had—rumor has it that they found him drunk sleeping under a bridge with the Indians. ”

“Politics is the only field in which the more experience you have, the worse you get.”

“Why the hell not?”

He’s the only candidate out there who supports both gay marriage (“I support gay marriage because I believe they have the right to be just as miserable as the rest of us.”) AND freedom of religion/school prayer (“May the God of your choice bless and keep you. I respect Him as long as He does not circumcise me anymore.”).

He has a common-sense position on the death penalty: "I am not anti-death penalty, but I'm damn sure anti-the-wrong-guy-getting-executed."

His position on public education, border control, dependence on foreign oil and gun control are spot on.

He’s a Jew who appreciates Christianity: “Yes, I'm a Judeo-Christian. Jesus and Moses are in my heart, and... both of them were independents, by the way”

He has the distinction of being one of two men on the entire planet to maintain a personal relationship with two of the most polarizing political figures in history: Clinton and W. The other man who shares this distinction, of course, is George H.W.

His most recent exploit took place this past weekend at a St. Patty’s parade where he, as Grand Marshall, enjoyed a Guiness while riding in a convertible along the parade route (in violation of Texas’ open container law). When asked for a comment, he said: “Guinness is the drink that kept the Irish from taking over the world. It would be unthinkable not to have a Guinness during a St. Patrick's Day parade. In fact, it would be spiritually wrong,"

I know you may be saying to yourself, “Dad is being a little capricious. His sensibilities are normally so conservative…how can he possibly be serious about Kinky Friedman? He’s just pulling our leg.”

And if you’re saying that to yourself, you would be wrong. I’m very serious.

I’ve said before that I would love to see a new political party join the fray. The Democrats are broken and the Republicans are running a foot race to failure. Although I disagree with him on some issues (gay marriage being one of several), I agree with him on many more. Besides, the political system in Texas does not allow for a unitary executive (it’s rumored that the Lieutenant Governor actually wields more power than the Governor), so even if Kinky sucked as a Governor, he couldn’t do TOO much damage. If, however, he was successful, he would be one more nail in the coffin of the two-party system.

So, come on. Give the author of “They Aren’t Making Jews Like Jesus Anymore” a shot. Vote Kinky in 2006.

And from one mustached, soul-patched, whisky-swilling, cigar-smoking, witty, intelligent Texas transplant to another: Kinky, I wish you luck.