Saving the World One (GREAT BIG) Problem at a Time...
Everybody hates the Jews.
Understand, I am not making a statement based on my personal preferences or prejudices. I’ve got no problem with the Jews. Hell, I'm related to one by marriage and, if you look at some of MY family members, you've got to question to what degree THEY may be Jewish. I’m simply stating a well-known fact.
From the time the Jews were enslaved in Egypt up until this very second, the vast majority of the world has hated them. This hatred seems to be reaching a boiling point, what with the Israeli-Lebanese(and everybody else) pissing contest taking place as I type. Accordingly, I've given it a lot of thought and have come up with an idea that would help me to go down as one of the greatest visionaries the world has ever known.
Let’s review a few key points of history over the past 2000 years. I’m not going all the way back to Abraham because, frankly, it’s too cumbersome. We’ll just leave it that the Romans were NOT the first enemy that Israel had to deal with:
The Roman Empire takes over well before the Common Era (read: “After Christ”). Granted, anti-Semitism was not the original motivation for the Romans…they were just looking for a little world domination and additional tax revenue. Unfortunately, however, by constantly holding themselves up as “God’s Chosen People” and, with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, reminding the Romans that their Gods were false didn’t necessarily endear the Romans to the Jews. Accordingly, the Romans felt a little come-uppance was in order and Jews were not treated all that well.
The Tribe decides to revolt against Rome…twice…neither of which worked out quite like the Jews might’ve hoped. Jerusalem (and the Temple) are destroyed and those Jews who didn’t find themselves as slaves or little grease spots in the desert were unceremoniously thrown out on their asses. As a nice little “screw you”, Rome renames Israel (and the surrounding area) “Palestine” after Israel’s longtime enemies, the Philistines. This would be much like my entire neighborhood being taken over by Democrats and renamed “AlGoreadephia” or “Kerrywood” or “Kennedyland” or some such.
Eventually, the Romans lose the land to the Muslims and the Muslims call it “home”. Granted, it wasn’t necessarily a peaceful existence and the Palestinians had their fair share of troubles over the next 1200 years, but it was their backyard. Meanwhile, the Jews are spending the next two millennia dealing with constant massacre, expulsion, inquisitions, etc.
Along comes Hitler and his Final Solution in which he managed to take out a significant portion of the world’s Jewish population. Now, lest anyone thinks that it was only those Jews who lived in Germany who found themselves on the wrong end of a rifle or gas nozzle, I would remind you that Hitler got a lot of help from much of the rest of Europe, whether or not they were occupied by Germany. He also got an assist by other complacent parties…complacent parties including the US. One of those underreported, shameful missteps by the US during the 1930s was that, when a bunch of Jews showed up here asking for a place to crash for awhile, we told them to pound salt. Guess where they ended up?
World War II ends and, while trying to figure out how everything is going to work out, the League of Nations is approached by the Jews:
“Hey, guys. Since we don’t have a homeland to go back to anymore, why don’t you help a brother out and give us back Israel. After all, it was rightfully ours 1,900 years ago.”
Whether the League of Nations’ intentions were altruistic and they sincerely hoped that this would serve as adequate recompense for all that the Jews had been through, or if they just hoped that the Arabs would finish what Hitler started, is really irrelevant. The bottom line is that they booted a whole bunch of Arabs off the land they’d occupied for a couple thousand years and moved the Jews on in. Needless to say, the Welcome Wagon didn’t show up to say “Howdy” to the new neighbors.
Fast-forward almost 60 years: Israel is currently bombing the hell out of Lebanon and is issuing ultimatums to Syria and Iran. At the same time, they are inadvertently building the largest coalition of countries in the history of the world. Unfortunately, the coalition is against them…which means one thing: Eventually, we (the US) are going to be called in to pull Israel’s ass out of the fire.
We already have our hands pretty full, guys and, frankly, don’t really have the diplomatic capital right now to build a team to help you out. Your bombing of an entire country and threatening two others for the benefit of two soldiers kidnapped by a terrorist organization seems a little, I don’t know…disproportionate? We appreciate that you’re attempting to curtail terrorism and, in fact, have absolutely NO love for Hezbollah, but we’ve got other fish to fry right now. And considering much of our diplomatic capital was lost as the result of our relationship with you, you’re really not helping either of us out.
Now that I’ve finished my history lesson and my political rant, I can reveal the idea I promised at the beginning of this article; the idea which will bring peace (at least for the short term) to much of the world and will make ALMOST everyone happy. This entire idea can be summed up in one word.
Utah.
We, the fine people of the US, will give you a quarter of the state of Utah in exchange for a commitment by you to leave the Middle East and relocate to the “New Israel” immediately.
Think about it. One quarter of Utah is two and a half times the size of Israel and the climate and geography are much the same: desert. And, let’s face it, one million white Mormons who don’t even drink coffee are far less scary and threatening than a couple hundred million Arab Muslims who own AK-47s and grenade launchers AND have a grudge.
Considering natural resources have little to do with your overall economy, you can essentially set up shop and run your own economy anywhere. Why not “Utahhhhh!”
Because the “New Israel” is situated cozily in between Nevada, Arizona, Colorado and what remains of the state of Utah, you wouldn’t need your own military. The US would handle your national defense for you. We wouldn’t even charge you anything…we’d just quit sending you billions of dollars a year in foreign aid.
Granted, you’d no longer have a seaport, but who needs seaports when you have a great Interstate System, railroads and airports?
I know you have your arguments, so let’s just address those now:
“But, that land was promised to us! All of our history is there. We’re supposed to rebuild the TEMPLE, for God’s sake!”
The land was promised to Abraham about four thousand years ago and, frankly, I think you’re excluding a pretty important aspect of that land grant: the land was promised to Abraham and his descendants, one of whom was Ishmael (the ELDEST, in fact). Isaac was the father of the Jews and, according to the Muslims, Muhammad is a direct descendant of Ishmael. I’m not arguing who is right on this issue, but considering that God’s messages tend to be fairly cryptic, I think there’s a reasonable question as to who is the rightful heir to the land. Personally, I’d love to see you all share it, in perfect harmony, but it’s already been proven that THAT won’t happen.
I’m assuming by “history” that you are NOT talking about your personal history as Israel, as a state, is a whopping ONE YEAR OLDER than my dear old Dad. The city of Miami is twice the age as the State of Israel.
If you’re talking about “spiritual history”, you’re not alone. As a Christian, I reckon that my spiritual history is there too. Do I want to live there? No. Do I even have a desire to go there? No. Making a pilgrimage to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre at the risk of catching shrapnel is just not worth it to me. Maybe God will consider this to be a deficiency in me, but I doubt it.
Regarding the Temple, there are 7 million Jews in the Middle East who want to rebuild the Temple and about 400 million (give or take) Muslims who won’t let that happen. They think pretty highly of that mosque that was built there about 1400 years ago. I know that it's a prophesy which is supposed to be fulfilled, but it isn't happening in your lifetime. Or mine. Or in my great-great-great-great-great grandkids either.
“But we thought you wanted us there as a beacon of democracy in the Middle East.”
Frankly, I’m a little torn on that whole “Democracy in the Middle East” thing. Yes, I am a firm believer that democracy is the greatest chance that people have for freedom, justice and the pursuit of happiness. Unfortunately, though, it doesn’t always work out like we’d hoped. You should be especially aware of that as a terrorist organization, Hamas, became the controlling authority in Palestine. The fact that Hezbollah has quite a few seats in Lebanon is equally troubling.
Either way, many of those whom we would like to see pick up democracy hate you, so I’m not sure that you’re the perfect beacon of democracy.
As I said earlier, everybody wins:
The Jews win because they can live in a place in which they are not target practice. They don’t have to have their own military and can sleep soundly at night.
The Muslims win because they get Palestine back. Granted, they’re still going to hate the Jews, but are not going to waste the time, effort and resources to invade what is presently Utah.
The People of the Great State of Utah (some of them, anyway) win because we wouldn’t just run them off their land…they would get paid HANDSOMELY for their land.
The Mormons would be happy because much of that cash paid for “New Israel” would end up in their coffers (assuming, of course, that the Mormons tithe better than we Presbyterians)
The US wins for a TON of reasons:
Billions a year in Foreign Aid Savings;
We’re no longer pissing off 400 million (give-or-take) Middle Eastern Muslims by making them play nice with 7 million Jews.
By removing their (at this moment) greatest enemy from sight, we are in a much better bargaining position for bulk petroleum purchases and may actually get ahold of a barrel of oil at a discount.
With the exception of oil, we’d have no other real reason to show up in the Middle East, thereby sparing most of those fools over there the disgrace of having to deal with too many of our infidel asses.
Finally, Dubya wins because, if he could pull it off, George Bush will go down as the greatest leader in the history of the planet.
If anyone can see where my idea fails the smell test, feel free to let me know. In the meantime, I think I’m forwarding this e-mail on to Georgie boy now.
There’s nobody else in the world in more dire need of legacy building right now.
Understand, I am not making a statement based on my personal preferences or prejudices. I’ve got no problem with the Jews. Hell, I'm related to one by marriage and, if you look at some of MY family members, you've got to question to what degree THEY may be Jewish. I’m simply stating a well-known fact.
From the time the Jews were enslaved in Egypt up until this very second, the vast majority of the world has hated them. This hatred seems to be reaching a boiling point, what with the Israeli-Lebanese(and everybody else) pissing contest taking place as I type. Accordingly, I've given it a lot of thought and have come up with an idea that would help me to go down as one of the greatest visionaries the world has ever known.
Let’s review a few key points of history over the past 2000 years. I’m not going all the way back to Abraham because, frankly, it’s too cumbersome. We’ll just leave it that the Romans were NOT the first enemy that Israel had to deal with:
The Roman Empire takes over well before the Common Era (read: “After Christ”). Granted, anti-Semitism was not the original motivation for the Romans…they were just looking for a little world domination and additional tax revenue. Unfortunately, however, by constantly holding themselves up as “God’s Chosen People” and, with the subtlety of a sledgehammer, reminding the Romans that their Gods were false didn’t necessarily endear the Romans to the Jews. Accordingly, the Romans felt a little come-uppance was in order and Jews were not treated all that well.
The Tribe decides to revolt against Rome…twice…neither of which worked out quite like the Jews might’ve hoped. Jerusalem (and the Temple) are destroyed and those Jews who didn’t find themselves as slaves or little grease spots in the desert were unceremoniously thrown out on their asses. As a nice little “screw you”, Rome renames Israel (and the surrounding area) “Palestine” after Israel’s longtime enemies, the Philistines. This would be much like my entire neighborhood being taken over by Democrats and renamed “AlGoreadephia” or “Kerrywood” or “Kennedyland” or some such.
Eventually, the Romans lose the land to the Muslims and the Muslims call it “home”. Granted, it wasn’t necessarily a peaceful existence and the Palestinians had their fair share of troubles over the next 1200 years, but it was their backyard. Meanwhile, the Jews are spending the next two millennia dealing with constant massacre, expulsion, inquisitions, etc.
Along comes Hitler and his Final Solution in which he managed to take out a significant portion of the world’s Jewish population. Now, lest anyone thinks that it was only those Jews who lived in Germany who found themselves on the wrong end of a rifle or gas nozzle, I would remind you that Hitler got a lot of help from much of the rest of Europe, whether or not they were occupied by Germany. He also got an assist by other complacent parties…complacent parties including the US. One of those underreported, shameful missteps by the US during the 1930s was that, when a bunch of Jews showed up here asking for a place to crash for awhile, we told them to pound salt. Guess where they ended up?
World War II ends and, while trying to figure out how everything is going to work out, the League of Nations is approached by the Jews:
“Hey, guys. Since we don’t have a homeland to go back to anymore, why don’t you help a brother out and give us back Israel. After all, it was rightfully ours 1,900 years ago.”
Whether the League of Nations’ intentions were altruistic and they sincerely hoped that this would serve as adequate recompense for all that the Jews had been through, or if they just hoped that the Arabs would finish what Hitler started, is really irrelevant. The bottom line is that they booted a whole bunch of Arabs off the land they’d occupied for a couple thousand years and moved the Jews on in. Needless to say, the Welcome Wagon didn’t show up to say “Howdy” to the new neighbors.
Fast-forward almost 60 years: Israel is currently bombing the hell out of Lebanon and is issuing ultimatums to Syria and Iran. At the same time, they are inadvertently building the largest coalition of countries in the history of the world. Unfortunately, the coalition is against them…which means one thing: Eventually, we (the US) are going to be called in to pull Israel’s ass out of the fire.
We already have our hands pretty full, guys and, frankly, don’t really have the diplomatic capital right now to build a team to help you out. Your bombing of an entire country and threatening two others for the benefit of two soldiers kidnapped by a terrorist organization seems a little, I don’t know…disproportionate? We appreciate that you’re attempting to curtail terrorism and, in fact, have absolutely NO love for Hezbollah, but we’ve got other fish to fry right now. And considering much of our diplomatic capital was lost as the result of our relationship with you, you’re really not helping either of us out.
Now that I’ve finished my history lesson and my political rant, I can reveal the idea I promised at the beginning of this article; the idea which will bring peace (at least for the short term) to much of the world and will make ALMOST everyone happy. This entire idea can be summed up in one word.
Utah.
We, the fine people of the US, will give you a quarter of the state of Utah in exchange for a commitment by you to leave the Middle East and relocate to the “New Israel” immediately.
Think about it. One quarter of Utah is two and a half times the size of Israel and the climate and geography are much the same: desert. And, let’s face it, one million white Mormons who don’t even drink coffee are far less scary and threatening than a couple hundred million Arab Muslims who own AK-47s and grenade launchers AND have a grudge.
Considering natural resources have little to do with your overall economy, you can essentially set up shop and run your own economy anywhere. Why not “Utahhhhh!”
Because the “New Israel” is situated cozily in between Nevada, Arizona, Colorado and what remains of the state of Utah, you wouldn’t need your own military. The US would handle your national defense for you. We wouldn’t even charge you anything…we’d just quit sending you billions of dollars a year in foreign aid.
Granted, you’d no longer have a seaport, but who needs seaports when you have a great Interstate System, railroads and airports?
I know you have your arguments, so let’s just address those now:
“But, that land was promised to us! All of our history is there. We’re supposed to rebuild the TEMPLE, for God’s sake!”
The land was promised to Abraham about four thousand years ago and, frankly, I think you’re excluding a pretty important aspect of that land grant: the land was promised to Abraham and his descendants, one of whom was Ishmael (the ELDEST, in fact). Isaac was the father of the Jews and, according to the Muslims, Muhammad is a direct descendant of Ishmael. I’m not arguing who is right on this issue, but considering that God’s messages tend to be fairly cryptic, I think there’s a reasonable question as to who is the rightful heir to the land. Personally, I’d love to see you all share it, in perfect harmony, but it’s already been proven that THAT won’t happen.
I’m assuming by “history” that you are NOT talking about your personal history as Israel, as a state, is a whopping ONE YEAR OLDER than my dear old Dad. The city of Miami is twice the age as the State of Israel.
If you’re talking about “spiritual history”, you’re not alone. As a Christian, I reckon that my spiritual history is there too. Do I want to live there? No. Do I even have a desire to go there? No. Making a pilgrimage to the Church of the Holy Sepulchre at the risk of catching shrapnel is just not worth it to me. Maybe God will consider this to be a deficiency in me, but I doubt it.
Regarding the Temple, there are 7 million Jews in the Middle East who want to rebuild the Temple and about 400 million (give or take) Muslims who won’t let that happen. They think pretty highly of that mosque that was built there about 1400 years ago. I know that it's a prophesy which is supposed to be fulfilled, but it isn't happening in your lifetime. Or mine. Or in my great-great-great-great-great grandkids either.
“But we thought you wanted us there as a beacon of democracy in the Middle East.”
Frankly, I’m a little torn on that whole “Democracy in the Middle East” thing. Yes, I am a firm believer that democracy is the greatest chance that people have for freedom, justice and the pursuit of happiness. Unfortunately, though, it doesn’t always work out like we’d hoped. You should be especially aware of that as a terrorist organization, Hamas, became the controlling authority in Palestine. The fact that Hezbollah has quite a few seats in Lebanon is equally troubling.
Either way, many of those whom we would like to see pick up democracy hate you, so I’m not sure that you’re the perfect beacon of democracy.
As I said earlier, everybody wins:
The Jews win because they can live in a place in which they are not target practice. They don’t have to have their own military and can sleep soundly at night.
The Muslims win because they get Palestine back. Granted, they’re still going to hate the Jews, but are not going to waste the time, effort and resources to invade what is presently Utah.
The People of the Great State of Utah (some of them, anyway) win because we wouldn’t just run them off their land…they would get paid HANDSOMELY for their land.
The Mormons would be happy because much of that cash paid for “New Israel” would end up in their coffers (assuming, of course, that the Mormons tithe better than we Presbyterians)
The US wins for a TON of reasons:
Billions a year in Foreign Aid Savings;
We’re no longer pissing off 400 million (give-or-take) Middle Eastern Muslims by making them play nice with 7 million Jews.
By removing their (at this moment) greatest enemy from sight, we are in a much better bargaining position for bulk petroleum purchases and may actually get ahold of a barrel of oil at a discount.
With the exception of oil, we’d have no other real reason to show up in the Middle East, thereby sparing most of those fools over there the disgrace of having to deal with too many of our infidel asses.
Finally, Dubya wins because, if he could pull it off, George Bush will go down as the greatest leader in the history of the planet.
If anyone can see where my idea fails the smell test, feel free to let me know. In the meantime, I think I’m forwarding this e-mail on to Georgie boy now.
There’s nobody else in the world in more dire need of legacy building right now.
posted by Big Bad Dad at 6:27 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home