Happy Birthday, PJ.

PJ O'Rourke, for those who may not know him, is a Journalist/Political Satirist who I've always gotten a kick out of. His books have made quite a few recent flights go a little quicker. So, in honor of his birthday today, I present a few quotes from some of his books. Since Clay has assembled quite a collection of quotatations, I thought I'd provide him with a few more (as long as he doesn't mind them coming from an avowed Republican). Some are pretty insightful but most are just kinda funny.

Enjoy.


You say we [reporters] are distracting from the business of government. Well, I hope so. Distracting a politician from governing is like distracting a bear from eating your baby.

Giving government money and power is like giving car keys and whiskey to a teenage boy"

"Man developed in Africa. He has not continued to do so there."

"Sen. Ted Kennedy: "And when the Reagan administration was selling arms to Iran, WHERE WAS GEORGE?" Answer: Dry, sober, and at home with his wife."

You can't get good Chinese takeout in China and Cuban cigars are rationed in Cuba. That's all you need to know about communism."

"There is only one basic human right, the right to do as you damn well please. And with it comes the only basic human duty, the duty to take the consequences."

"The Democrats are the party that says government will make you smarter, taller, richer, and remove the crabgrass on your lawn. The Republicans are the party that says government doesn't work and then they get elected and prove it."

"Even very young children need to be informed about dying. Explain the concept of death very carefully to your child. This will make threatening him with it much more effective."

"One of the annoying things about believing in free will and individual responsibility is the difficulty of finding somebody to blame your problems on. And when you do find somebody, it's remarkable how often his picture turns up on your driver's license."

"Politics should be limited in scope to ware, protection of property, and the occasional precautionary beheading of a member of the ruling class."

"The people who believe that, as a result of industrial development, life is about to become a hell, or may be one already, are guilty, at least, of sloppy pronouncements. On page 8 of Earth in the Balance, Al Gore claims that his study of the arms race gave him "a deeper appreciation for the most horrifying fact in all our lives: civilization is now capable of destroying itself." In the first place, the most horrifying fact in many of our lives is that our ex-spouse has gotten ahold of our ATM card. And civilization has always been able to destroy itself. The Greeks of ancient Athens, who had a civilization remarkable for lack of technological progress during its period of greatest knowledge and power, managed to destroy them fine."

"Never Refuse Wine. It is an odd but universally held opinion that anyone who doesn't drink must be an alcoholic."

"The founding fathers, in their wisdom, devised a method by which our republic can take one hundred of its most prominent numbskulls and keep them out of the private sector where they might do actual harm."

Everybody knows how to raise children, except the people who have them.

I like to think of my behavior in the sixties as a "learning experience." Then again, I like to think of anything stupid I've done as a "learning experience." It makes me feel less stupid.

Drugs have taught an entire generation of American kids the metric system.

"Malthus,", says Vice President Al Gore in Earth in the Balance, "was right in predicting that the population would grow geometrically." Al, as the father of four children, should know.


Even the bad things are better than they used to be. Bad music, for instance, has gotten much briefer. Wagner's Ring Cycle takes four days to perform while "Mmm Mmm Mmm Mmm" by the Crash Test Dummies lasts little more than three minutes.

Let us compare Congress to the Justice Department's case against Microsoft. No one is trying to break up the House of Representatives because it's been too successful."

"Milton Friedman believes the crack epidemic was the result of cocaine being against the law. He says crack 'was invented because the high cost of illegal drugs made it profitable to provide a cheaper version.' Milton Friedman is a brilliant man, a courageous defender of liberty. I respect Milton Friedman. I revere Milton Friedman. But from drugs Milton Friedman doesn't know. Crack is less expensive than powdered cocaine - for ten seconds. It was the marketing guys who thought up crack, not the people in accounting."

"Politicians are interested in people. Not that this is always a virtue. Fleas are interested in dogs."

"I was drunk" is a polite way of saying, "I shed my inhibitions and did exactly what I wanted to do, and if you provoke me, I'll do it again."